fading

 i'm tired this evening
and in a fading brain mood
got a busy, busy wkend ahead of me
no time to relax

hiding

well, that was interesting
left my prescription in the car
and had to go out at 11 30 pm to get it
cause i have to take it tonight, in order for the bloodwork tomorrow AM
so
i ran outside in my nightie
in the dark
in my bare feet
beside the road
one suv went past
i sorta hid
but i got it accomplished without incident

grieved

poor kc
dad was sitting at my table today
and kc walked past (kc should know better)
and dad reached out and pulled his tail

course, kc took off into the deck room
and i'm slightly grinning as i go out to him
kc saw me coming,
and gave this grieved little meow

so i picked him up, gave him some lovin'
and he was fine again


and later
i had a bit of an experience myself
was cutting out a dress
and kc was in my way
he thot the snipping scissors were a toy for him to play with
i finally had to show him who's boss
and he behaved then

and i'm thinking as we're having this spat
if that was a toddler who was annoying me
i couldnt shove him in a pet taxi till i was done
i'd have to give up my plans
and pay attention to him

domestication

well
mom and dad came over tonight
dad wanted me to read his tb test
it was fine

and they showed up as i'm proving once again,
that i am becoming domesticated

that short row of green beans is giving me lots of beans
so tonight
i was in the middle of blanching beans when they knocked on my door
i have not done any freezing of veggies for yrs

and to make matters even worse
dad says he's coming over to work on that old red barn
and that maybe he can talk j into coming over too
so i said to mom,
well, why dont you come over too, and i'll make supper

me??
offering to make supper?
not buying a pizza?
wow

 

aura

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

 

chinese

i had an interesting experience today

went to the chinese buffet for lunch
(am here at work)
the resturant was slow
was the only one in there for at least 15 min
and i ordered my buffet
the girl at the counter spoke pretty good english

filled my plate, sat down, ate it
and then was just sitting there
(the place was nearly empty
and so i wasnt worried abt taking up a paying seat)
i like to just sit, after i eat
my brain sorta goes blank
guess thats cause my stomach takes all the blood flow and doesnt let any for my brain to use

and i'm sitting there
absently mindedly looking out the window
thinking of topics on md
(at least i think thats where my brain wandered off too)

and the girl at the counter looks up
can i ask you a question?
well, yeah (um, whats she gonna ask?)
so she brings her workbook over to my table
i was sitting in the back of hte resturant
and we had an english lesson

treat

i had a new culinary treat today
and it was free

i decided that crab legs are too much work
and much to messy
for a tiny little bit of meat
altho, it was good, i must say

 

reaching

Can you feel the hearts of the children
aching for home,
for something of their very own?
Reaching hands with nothing to hold on to,
but hope for a better day,
a better day.

hear the entire song here

was to millmont to hear the mennonite choral singers
the above fits me, right now

 

stuck

i'm stuck 

moody

randomness tonight, i think
cause my brain is moody

met a neat older gentleman today, at work
and such a version of the menno game we played
and he's not menno in the least
found out almost promptly that his niece is married to my friend dp
he thinks quite highly of dp
and yes, he is related to ms
who is somehow some way related to mom's side of the family,
which is why we always are invited to the stuter reunion --btw, the one i never go to--
we talked abt lots of things
mostly, he talked, i asked a few questions
his family hx, massacre by the ny indians who came down into pa
bush stole the first election
his jack russell terrier
his horses, and the one that bit him
and various other things

kc is sleeping against my foot
he's gonna miss me when i go to kansas
i bought our train tickets today
am hoping i have internet access on the train

i'm feeling like not pushing issues right now
like just letting the chips fall where they may
and maybe picking them up later
or maybe not
who knows

got a switch for fri
which means that i will be able to go to hear the Mennonite Choral Singers with my bro on fri

the 29 picnic next wkend?
might be a flop, not much interest after all
if ks doesnt show, i'm gonna have to grump at her
she's the one that talked me into this

wish i knew the answers to some questions
questions that i shan't put into words, here

motherhood

had a bit of an embarrassing moment this afternoon
good thing no one heard me!

was sitting out on my deck
with my computer
and my bottle of water
its windy today, i had to take the umbrella off the table

and kc runs around the deck, up the steps
and into the deckroom
and just inside the door, he said "meow"
and i absentmindedly (promptly, i might add) said "what?"

um, um?
what is happening to me?

grumble

my day's plans got changed for me, today
and i didnt mind a bit
mom called and reminded me of the event at the airport today
JAARS and wycliffe translators
Jungle Aviations and Radio Services
plans were made to meet her, dad, and one bro and his family there
and as i walked in from the parking lot, here is my other bro and his family
it was a very nice family outing
only one missing was my single bro
and mom didnt know why he didnt want to come
woulda been nice, had he been there too

my 2 yr old niece was gonna go for an airplane ride with d
and her 4 yr old sis just threw a bawling fit
she did NOT want A to go up in that plane, its MUCH to SCAREY
she was quite thoroughly panicked for A
and as it turned out, A didnt go, and neither did d or the rest

dad sure enjoyed watching the planes
i'm thinking the highlight of his life was his yrs up north in VS
he's always wishing to go back to canada
talking abt moose, and canoes, and flying in, and regalling us with his Indian words that he remembers

there was a demo by the pilot of some of the manuevers they use in the amazon jungles
there was skydiving, (which i don't think had anything to do with JAARS, but was an airport function)
helicopter rides
food
games and activities for kids
several info stands on translating

((btw, right now its raining quite hard))

oh, and heres a grump of mine
totally irritated me
i was so upset
checked my online banking last night
and realized i had over drawn my debit card
for a 5.00 mcdonalds meal
grumble snort
that means i paid 37.00 for a value meal
grumble-snort-grump-growl-stay-out-of-my-way-and-dont-make-me-mad-tonight

plumber

well, i have no running water this evening
the pump and the water heater are shut down till morning
the water heater has a huge leak
the plumber is coming at 8 30
grrrr
much to early on my day off

and after i finally found one that was willing to come in the morning
i came home, told dad
and he says, who is it, is it so n so?
yes
i know him
whew
and now dad is coming over in the morning too
which will be nice for me
i'll have someone to ask, what shall i do
when the guy tells me, i've got some major purchases to make

tired

i'm tired this evening

1. been a bit worried all day
2. been listening to my water pump ever since i got home this evening
it cycles on abt every 5 min, or even less at times
and it shouldnt do that
it should only cyle on, when i use water
3. been reading some on a website that has touched me deeply
4. i wish i knew how to accept love, and how to give it
5. i'm getting tired of listening to hte water pump
just my luck its going bad

i could fall asleep right now
in fact, i might just sign off and get to bed

butterflies

kc the great butterfly hunter

kc brought 4 butterflies into the house today
and was tormenting them
i rescued 2 of them, and sent them outside again
but the other 2, he managed to kill

and the funny thing is
he'd go outside to the butterfly bushes
and he'd catch a butterfly
and bring it inside my house
to where i was sitting in hte kitchen
and play with it there

i've got butterfly wing flecks all over my kitchen floor

i just wish that he was as diligent at catching mice
as he was the butterflies today

reputation

the johari window was brought to my attention again
so i decided to do it, this time
feel free to check it out and to tell me what you think of me

protector

kc is guarding my door
its funny
i have company this evening, they are in the other room
and kc is sleeping right in my doorway

i'm loving the thot that my kc is protecting me

issues

was talking to gro yesterday
we had an interesting chat via IM
we are a lot alike, in some ways
and totally different in others

we started in ems together, way back in '89
long time ago
and both went on to become a paramedic

we talked abt various things, yesterday
(he was at 6, and i was at 29)
abt ems issues
abt relationships
and abt body image issues
and he says to me:
"usually, when someone asks questions like that, they've just had issues w/ someone they've been seeing or are interested in"
and my answer was:
"nah, am just being grumpy, thats all, and not liking my body, and wishing i had enough will power to do something abt it, and enough will power to work thru my hangups, thats all"

and then of course, the pager went
and i had to leave

net-less

ya know
got home from work last night
made a sandwich
took it out to the deck and ate it
went to sign online
and
i cant connect
my little icon says i'm connected
but
i'm not
so upstairs i go
shut off my wireless box
and turn it back on
realize the dsl and the wireless lights are blinking
but hte internet light isnt blinking
hmm

picked up the phone
no dial tone
i guess i dont have net

so, i read
and went to bed early
was sorta nice, i must say

selfish

today has been an incredibly selfish day
i did nothing, x what i wanted to
and only for myself
got up, around noon
hung on the net for a bit
made myself a salad for dinner

then went outside
pulled weeds, again!
picked beans
weeded and thinned the carrots
picked some lettuce (ended up pitching it, it is bitter)
found 2 ripe tomatoes, the first

cleaned the beans, stuck em in the frig
swept the floors
mopped them
did the dishes, and put them away
paid some bills
got a return for a kansas wedding ready to go in the mail tomorrow

cleaned the junk out of my car, (it goes to the garage tomorrow for the knocking sound its making)
ripped down a huge inkberry bush, at least thats what i think it is
hunted for the kitty, checked in the blacksmith shop
couldnt find it
brushed kc until he got tired of it
talked to mom

and deliberately blew off the ambulance meeting tonight

beans

i picked a handful of string beans yesterday, from my garden
and after i got home from work tonight, i cooked em
and ate em
they were pretty good

it still flabbergasts my brain at times
never thot i'd enjoy a garden
never

thots

i'm sitting here on my deck
with the light from the deck room and from my computer screen
no lights on the deck itself
its dark surrounding me
kc is somewhere
he had been lying at my feet
i'm listening to the katydids
and the crickets
there is a gentle breeze, just enough to almost make it chilly
i've got my water on the table beside the computer
and i'm sitting here thinking
abt various and sundry thots

was talking to jayb for a bit
his question was guardian angels
do they exist
and also, are there angels of satan in human form
like tradition says angels of God take human form?

am thinking on how to test the spirits
how do i know that something is from God?
how do i know that something is His plan for me?

been thinking abt depression lately
and am certain thats why i've been bawling more
i hate with a passion to cry
but lately,
my thots have been burrowing into the muck of my life
and its depressing me

and i'm thinking abt that tiny scrawny black kitty
if it knew what was good for it, it would have stayed around
it would have crossed those last several inches to me
it acted like i do
refuse to trust Anyone enough to make a few steps to Someone who cares
all because it thinks its all alone in life

been thinking abt peaches too
with as much troubles as she has in her life
she still takes time for me
she asks me "how are YOU doing?"

i'm listening to an owl whooooo in the distance
and traffic noises from the main highway are muffled
the pager is squawking, i should just shut it off

i'm thinking abt the events yesterday in the ER and my calls
such sadness with lasting repercussions
such insanity with lasting deformities
such anxiety with quite possibly an ulterior motive

and i'm thinking of ai
such a sad life she has
is she one of the least of these?

i guess thats enough of thots for now

kitten

i saw a tiny little itty bitty scrawny black kitty sitting on the stoop in front of the old blacksmith shop, when i came home this evening
i walked over to it, and it promptly ran underneath the building
i went inside, left kc out the door
got a scoop of feed and went back out

course by this time, kc had found the baby kitty
and was stalking it
the kitten would turn and hiss at kc
and i yelled at kc, let it alone
then called him over, picked him up, and took him inside

when i came back out, the kitty was checking out the food
and when it saw me come, it ran
so i sat there and talked to it, and it came on over
i was abt 18-24 inches from the food
and after bit, it got brave enough to come eat
and then, it came a bit closer to my hand
and when it heard kc meow thru the screen door
it meowed so pitifully too, and then jumped past me, and ran down the side of the blacksmith shop
so, i guess i'll be stopping at walmart to get kitten chow
and i guess i'll be feeding it
and i guess in a day or so, i'll have a new cat

and miss neighbor girl and her gram came around
and miss nbg wants to name the cat for me
i told her, if she comes up with a name i like, i'll name it that
miss nbg's gram says that miss nbg's dad said he saw it when he was mowing my yard 2 or 3 days ago
that it was up by their feeders in the woods earlier
so apparently its been hanging around
(so another day or so outside wont hurt it any)

and as i was sitting there
attempting to make up with this kitten
i was thinking
kc chose me
yes, i picked him and brought him home
but kc made the choice that first night to purr and to come up to my bedroom to find me, after i had gone to bed, (i was gonna let him downstairs, he wasnt gonna be a sleep on my bed, cat)
and now, i'm making the initiative to bond with something
kc has been really good for me

just not sure what kc's reaction will be to another cat in his house

hot

if kc refuses to sleep in my bedroom, on my bed, chances are its too hot for me to sleep comfortably as well

sulk

well, i found out today what bossman thinks of me
ok, make that yesterday, since its already past midnight....
i had called up to pharmacy, asked them to tube me down my narcs
and bossman a min later answers the phone
says,
the tech will meet you at the med select, instead of tubing them down
ok, i can handle that
so now he is telling me
abt how he is attempting to fill hte open shift on sat night
which i might have to do
and as he is looking right at ME, talking to ME
the tech walks up and wants someone to sign for hte narcs
and bossman says
jm was around here just a minute ago

and of course the entire ER heard it
including bb and s
and the 2 of them promptly jumped on it

i told bossman i'm gonna go sulk now
laugh
i havent had such a good laugh in a long time!