problem

has anyone heard of
"the five languages of apology", by gary chapman and jennifer thomas
1. i'm sorry
2. i was wrong
3. what can i do to make it right?
4. i'll try my best to not do it again
5. will you forgive me
i think those are the 5, just remembering offhand

they say a person needs to apologize in the apology language of the recipient, not your own, in order to have an effective apology
they say that some folks want to hear "i'm sorry" and that is what an apology is to them
some folks do not consider it an apology until the person admits "i was wrong"
and others are only concerned abt "will you forgive me?"
they say that #5, the question, "will you forgive me" is the hardest way for a controlling person to apologize.

which hit home to me
because i have a horrid time saying, will you forgive me, cause i dont think its fair to ask someone to release you of debt. it feels like begging, both if i ask it, or if the other person asks it of me. (if someone starts begging for something, my feet go down, and i stand my ground)
or at least thats what i always thot
they say, that question, "will you forgive me" is giving up my control, and handing it to the other person to make the final decision.
and i dont even like to be asked that question, because, i guess maybe it follows the control issue again. i dont like to see someone not in control of themself. and i dont like to be the one in control of someone else's mental wellbeing.

all this from just leafing thru the book at walmart last night, while deciding to buy it. i havent read it yet.
looks like i've got some serious reading to do, and looks like i have found a problem area of mine