proverbs

i saw this the other day, and wasnt tooo thrilled abt it
im going to post it anyways

Proverbs of Marriage
1. I write unto all the brethren, who have abstained from the snare of marriage, but especially unto those who are backslidden, and are considering entering into that untoward state.
2 For I say unto thee when thou goest out to find a woman, look well to thine thoughts, and consider the intentions of thine heart.
3 He that is married hath little enjoyment in life, for his helpmate doth help to empty his purse, and little else. Yea verily, I say unto you, she doth greatly curtail his spending on the basic necessities of life, namely bows, guns, new trucks, and motorcycles.
4 But she doth say unto him, Thou fool, thou shouldst have spent the money to take me shopping. And she doth serve him supper cold that night. And when thou goest out to take a deer, she doth nag on thee to fix the sink, which doth not drip very much and could easily wait until thou hast slain a large he deer to ornament thy wall.
5 And she realizeth not that thou doest it for her sake, that she may have meat to serve when the neighors come.
6 And when thou eatest at thy table, remember that no foul sounds may issue forth from thy mouth, and he that gobbleth his food and forgettest to offer thanks to she that made it doth sleep on the couch for a week.
7 And when thou art in the courtship process, thou must pay all her expenses from food to new shoes, which doth grow quite costly.
8 And I would not have you ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have entered that state, and would deceive you concerning it.
9 For many say that it is a beautiful thing to find a wife, but they know in their hearts that they lie.
10 For there is a saying concerning them, which runneth like this: Misery loves company. And so they would have thee enter that state, knowing the sadness that shall afterwards ensue.
11 Let not them sway thee in thy conviction, for there is a reason it is called the holy bonds of matrimony.
12 However, if it is still in thine heart to enter into such folly after this counsel, remember that thou must wake up beside her every morning, so ensure that she hath fairness of face and trimness of figure.
13 And look well to her mother, for that is likely how she shalt look in thirty years, if the Lord tarry. And be sure of one thing: that she hath a large talent toward cooking, and can make a good pie crust. For when thou losest thy teeth, thou dost not want to be gnawing upon tough pie crust and meat.
14 And if it is thy desire to be a minister, be sure that she teacheth Sunday School, playeth the piano, and looketh good at ministers meetings.
15 If thou desirest greatly to find a wife, there be many fair maidens in the far countries of CBS, SMBI, BMA, and HBS whom thou mayest ask out.
16 And now brethren, fear not, neither be afraid, for a large bank account awaiteth the man that abstaineth from marriage, and he shall take many fun trips.
17 And faithful and just is he that keepeth thee from falling, to appoint you unmarried unto the day of retirement. Amen.

All things written here become null and void if and when a girl comes along and sweeps me off my feet.
No offense is intended, either to women or to the Bible.

that is, until this version showed up
ty, tumbleweed

Proverbs of Marriage 2
1. I write unto all my sisters, who have abstained from the snare of marriage, but especially unto those who are backslidden, and are considering entering into that untoward state.
2. For I say unto thee when thou findest a man, look well to thine thoughts, and consider the intentions of thine heart.
3. She that is married hath little enjoyment in life, for her helpmate doth hold the purse, and little else. Yea verily, I say unto thee, he doth greatly curtail thy spending on the basic necessities of life, namely shoes, clothes, new furniture, and new cars.
4. But he doth say unto her, Thou fool, thou shouldst have spent the money to send me hunting. And thou must serve him supper every night. And when he goeth out to take a deer, thou must pack his lunch, and for many days of wandereth around in the woods, if he should find the he deer he seeketh, thou must then butcher it for his table, and hang the large he deer to ornament thy wall.
5 And he realizeth not that thou doest it for his sake, that he may have a trophy to parade about when the neighors come.
6 And when thou eatest at thy table, remember that foul sounds may issue forth from his mouth, and that he gobbleth his food and forgettest to offer thanks to thou who hast made it, while he doth sleep on the couch for a week.
7 And when thou art in the courtship process, thou must never pay thine expenses for that mightest cause his ego to tumble.
8 And I would not have you ignorant, sisters, concerning those who have entered that state, and would deceive you concerning it.
9 For many say that it is a beautiful thing to find a husband, but they know in their hearts that they lie.
10 For there is a saying concerning them, which runneth like this: Misery loves company. And so they would have thee enter that state, knowing the sadness that shall afterwards ensue.
11 Let not them sway thee in thy conviction, for there is a reason it is called the holy bonds of matrimony.
12 However, if it is still in thine heart to enter into such folly after this counsel, remember that thou must wake up beside him every morning, so ensure that he hath good breath and hoggeth not the covers.
13 And look well to his father, for that is likely how he shall look in thirty years, if the Lord tarry. And be sure of one thing: that he hath a large talent toward working, and quite older than thou with his wealth already accumulated. For when thou growest old thou dost not want to be stuck living with him alone.
14 And if it is his desire to be a minister, thou will be forced to teach Sunday School, play the piano, and look good at ministers meetings.
15 If thou desirest greatly to find a husband, there be many young bucks in the far countries of CBS, SMBI, BMA, MBS, and HBS whom mayest ask thou out if thou but only look their way.
16 And now sisters, fear not, neither be afraid, for a large bank account awaiteth the woman that abstaineth from marriage, and she shall take many fun trips.
17 And faithful and just is he that keepeth thee from falling, to appoint you unmarried unto the day of retirement. Amen.

All things written here become null and void if and when a man cometh along and sweepeth me off my feet.
No offense is intended, either to men or to the Bible.