struggles

i ran across a blog the other day, that describes me very well
here is the link to the entire posting

I struggle with pride... I don't like for people to see my weaknesses. I don't like people to know that I am hurting. I don't want people to see what I am struggling with. I will tell people superficially what is going on but I generally don't let anyone in to the deeper part of me... Why??? Embarassment... which equals pride. What might they think of me??? What if they don't like me any more??? What if they judge me??? This makes it really hard to develop friendships past the superficial level... I do have some friends who know more about me than most people but even they are not allowed into the inner most part of me. This probably stems from past hurts that have occurred in my life because I have, like most people, have had people stomp on me. There have been times when I have been vulnerable and others have used it against me later, thus I put up walls.

Now if I want to be completely honest... which I do... there is another reason for the walls I put up... and that is to block the view. I don't want people to see the weeds of destruction that have taken root in my life. If no one can see through the wall then I don't have to explain my weeds... Weeds that have or eventually will choke my spirtual life... will choke my walk with God... will eventually choke me, leaving me empty.

Now if this isn't destructive enough, I also try to build walls that God won't be able to see through... Ridiculous I know but true just the same. I pretend while I pray that everything is okay, I ask forgiveness but my spirit, my heart is not broken...

What's My Mission goes on to say, that she has discovered that

God will not reject me. Though I am vile... though there are things in me that are disgusting, repungnant and downright unlovable God still loves me!!! Though my sins put a nail through His son's hand, God still loves me. There is nothing that I have done, or will do that will cause God to love me any less than He does right now. I can be true and honest with Him, keeping nothing "hidden" and He will still love me.

right now, i have a hard time even believing that