today

today has been nice
got up when i wanted to
nothing besides kc to wake me
then out to the garden
pulled weeds
picked beans
pulled a few carrots
cut off a cabbage
decided to let the pepper on the stalk for now
did laundry
did dishes
made myself dinner
angel hair spaghetti and dumped some alfredo sauce over it
(had to empty the jar, ya know)
had some black raspberry ice cream later
cleaned the carrots
cleaned the cabbage
snapped and washed the beans
and stuck em all in the frig
j showed up
wanted the iodine that mom left here
from when we doctored kc's infected incision from his denutting
they've got a goat that has a sore
iodine will work nicely, i must say
hung up on 2 telemarketers
talked to cs abt his ambulance bill

and i guess thats abt hte extent of today excursions
x for the net, of course

now tomorrow, its time to get back into the grind of things
working tomorrow and thur
need to make my list of to-do's again
station picnic at my place on sat
and also, fri night, i believe i'm hosting someone
a school teachers convention in the valley
and they need places for folks to stay
when i sent in my form, i put on it, "air mattress on the floor, and a cat in the house
if this is ok, i'll take 2"
so, i need to do some cleaning
need to stop at walmart, or giant
or somewhere
first tho, i need to make my shopping list

this past wk was good
the train ride was interesting
we got to see the backside of america
had a drunk in the seat behind us for awhile, coming out of chicago
at least he wasnt a mean drunk
i'd have had to grump, if that was the case
and of course mr hot air
altho eavesdropping on his conversation with his seat mate was fun
hey, dont look at me like that
when a guy is one seat behind you
and he talks loud enough that half the train can hear
of course i'm gonna listen to his stories!
after all, he has done everything
no matter what seat mate says, he had been good at that job too

sunday's sermon was on un-forgiveness and walls,
which turns into bitterness and malice towards the person you cant forgive
(malice he described as that "serves him right feeling" that a person has when they hear that someone had a bit of misfortune)
and i've come to the conclusion that not being able to forgive self turns the bitterness and malice on self
and creates self hatred, and depression, which basically is saying, you got exactly what you deserved, you dont deserve anything nice, and all those other probs that go along with it
so now
now comes the hard part
you know how hard its going to be to sit down and write out everything that i hold against myself?
stuff thats been rolling in my mind, but i have refused to think abt?
stuff that i have put behind walls?
you know how hard it is, to accept God's forgiveness?
when i cant even forgive myself?