unknown

i was to my sis in law's today, helping do applesauce
she has no prob asking others to help her do work
where as, i
i find it difficult to ask someone to help me
i find it difficult to ask someone to show they love me by helping me
(or spending time with me)
it makes me feel beholden to them
i always have to make sure they are well paid
(even to the extent of paying for the meal)
i even find it difficult to willingly go help others when they ask
i cringe when someone asks me to do something
i guess, cause it means that i am showing love,
and i have a horrid time showing love
i dont want to, i want to stay behind my wall

i guess the one exception would be mom and dad
i dont seem to have a prob asking them to do things for me
which brings me to another prob
just because love is a factor shouldnt mean that i ask anyone to do free stuff for me
that feels like i'm taking advantage of the relationship
if i pay someone who is not real close to me, to do something
why do i feel as if i can bum something free off of someone i love?
and so i always end up paying them too
which i guess robs them of their chance to show love

i dont know how to give or accept love, familially or platonically, much less romantically