offended

ok, i just laughed at kc
dont let anyone tell you that cats always land on their feet
kc was laying on a kitchen chair, and rolled over onto his back
and fell off
and landed on his back

poor cat was offended when i laughed at him

heritage

i was reminded again this evening of how grateful i am for my heritage
we were all together for my 6 yr old niece's bday party
i was sitting in the living room with my bros and my dad
and mom, b, j, and hte kids were out in the kitchen
i was listening to the boys talk abt this farmette that j is thinking of buying
of the potential to timber the woodland
well, i was semi listening, semi off in my own little world

and i hear the little girls start to sing
jesus loves me
away in a manger

and my mind went to this video clip that i had seen in a blog somewhere, several month ago
(i went looking for it this evening and couldnt find it)
the clip was posted, with consternation as to what this world is coming to
without going into too much detail, the clip was a homemade clip
with adults laughing in the background, and from chest down were visible
(no adult faces)
there were 2 little kids, a boy and a girl, couldnt have been more than 4 or 6
and they were vividly simulating sex acts while hte adults were pointing and laughing
i couldnt watch the whole clip

contrast that with my nieces singing jesus loves me
and playing with dolls
i am so thankful for my heritage

kc

 

insulted

well!......
i have been thoroughly insulted, today

i went to the store to get eggs, so that i could bake a cake for tomorrow evening's amb meeting
we have 4 bdays, in november, so plans are being made for a short party afterwards
and i had used my eggs for choc chip cookies
which btw turned out quite good, i must say

anyways, i get my eggs, and go up to the checkout
pay for my eggs, and turn to leave
the girl at hte register says, you've been with the amb a long time, havent you?
yeah, i have
well, you might have been with them when i was in high school she says
and i looked at her, and thot (if we are abt the same age, you look a lot older than 35)
when did you graduate? i asked
well, she didnt graduate, her mother pulled her out of school in 9th grade, that must have been in 75 or so
um, do i look that old?
it was all i could do to keep a straight face and answer civilly
i was only 4 yrs old in 1975

and then she proceeds to ask if i know so n so who was active back then
um, no
no i dont
(i dont go back that far, i was only 4 yrs old in 1975, remember?)
i dont even recognize the name as being a town name

so, i have decided there was no need to be insulted
because she appears to be living in a diff world than i am

unknown

i was to my sis in law's today, helping do applesauce
she has no prob asking others to help her do work
where as, i
i find it difficult to ask someone to help me
i find it difficult to ask someone to show they love me by helping me
(or spending time with me)
it makes me feel beholden to them
i always have to make sure they are well paid
(even to the extent of paying for the meal)
i even find it difficult to willingly go help others when they ask
i cringe when someone asks me to do something
i guess, cause it means that i am showing love,
and i have a horrid time showing love
i dont want to, i want to stay behind my wall

i guess the one exception would be mom and dad
i dont seem to have a prob asking them to do things for me
which brings me to another prob
just because love is a factor shouldnt mean that i ask anyone to do free stuff for me
that feels like i'm taking advantage of the relationship
if i pay someone who is not real close to me, to do something
why do i feel as if i can bum something free off of someone i love?
and so i always end up paying them too
which i guess robs them of their chance to show love

i dont know how to give or accept love, familially or platonically, much less romantically

imposition

i read this xanga today, that was talking abt the 4 temperments,
and that he has difficulty forming relationships because he never wants to impose on others
he called it NF iNtuitive Feeling
well, thats me
i feel like an imposition, when i start to get close to someone, so i pull away

but the really funny thing is?
is the fact that i have deduced that time is very important to me
someone spending real time with me is how i know they love me
altho i would never dare assume that, for fear i would be wrong

like kc
he has to be in the same room i am
he sleeps facing me, whether it be on the floor by my bed, a chair beside me, or at the foot end of my bed
in fact, once he was sleeping, and i turned my head away from him, and snuggled down
and he promptly meowed, got up and moved to the other side of my bed
he had to see my face
he wants to be with me, he loves me, even if he is only a cat

and i so enjoy when folks call me up to do something with me
but i'm dont like calling others, because that makes them feel like they have to spend time with me
makes me feel like i'm begging someone to spend time with me
and there is always a point in time that i start to feel smothered, before i accept someone

seems like i have 2 parts of me warring with each other all the time
no wonder i'm so messed up

ill

i had quite hte good supper tonight
k came in to relieve me, and brought me supper that she had cooked
ham, scalloped potatoes and fried corn
it was quite good

she musta felt she needed to thank me for taking the call this morning, before i ever got to the station
was headed to jco, just came out of hte narrows, and the tones started going
ems co *, medic **, diabetic emergency.....
and as i am straddling a dead deer in hte middle of the road, (cause i cant miss it without hitting another car, i can hear it clunk on hte bottom of my car, and am instantly reminded of our kansas trip where j squealed as she ran over a dead deer, woke us all up, and then the fun of i dont believe you after we got to our destination) i'm picking up my nextel and beeping k
i'm just coming out of the narrows, put me responding, i'll be there in a minute

pt was truly ill
and not DM related

carrots

the carrot cake i made last night is very good
if i dare toot my own horn, that is
i forgot to pack a piece for tomorrow's lunch
i'll have to do that in the morning, if i have time

problem

has anyone heard of
"the five languages of apology", by gary chapman and jennifer thomas
1. i'm sorry
2. i was wrong
3. what can i do to make it right?
4. i'll try my best to not do it again
5. will you forgive me
i think those are the 5, just remembering offhand

they say a person needs to apologize in the apology language of the recipient, not your own, in order to have an effective apology
they say that some folks want to hear "i'm sorry" and that is what an apology is to them
some folks do not consider it an apology until the person admits "i was wrong"
and others are only concerned abt "will you forgive me?"
they say that #5, the question, "will you forgive me" is the hardest way for a controlling person to apologize.

which hit home to me
because i have a horrid time saying, will you forgive me, cause i dont think its fair to ask someone to release you of debt. it feels like begging, both if i ask it, or if the other person asks it of me. (if someone starts begging for something, my feet go down, and i stand my ground)
or at least thats what i always thot
they say, that question, "will you forgive me" is giving up my control, and handing it to the other person to make the final decision.
and i dont even like to be asked that question, because, i guess maybe it follows the control issue again. i dont like to see someone not in control of themself. and i dont like to be the one in control of someone else's mental wellbeing.

all this from just leafing thru the book at walmart last night, while deciding to buy it. i havent read it yet.
looks like i've got some serious reading to do, and looks like i have found a problem area of mine

lost

i tried to get bossman to send me home
i'm loosing everything today
i told him he better send me home before i lose myself, or i lose the truck

i lost my stethoscope in r******'s ambulance
i lost my jacket somewhere on that call
i forgot my wallet, and had to turn around and go back to central to get it
i couldnt find the pager and i was looking right at it

he wouldnt hear of sending me home
he just laughed at me

he shoulda sent me home
cause now he has to pay me 3.5 hrs of OT
i guess i lost money for him!

tenderness

i witnessed something quite tender today
at least it was tender in my mind.

al and i went for chinese today, (we were both working in jco)
and in walks this older lady
she orders her buffet, gets her food, sits down
and here comes her husband with subway
here he doesnt like chinese, so he goes next door to subway and gets a sub, and brings it back, and she eats chinese, he eats subway

i thot that was just so nice of him
to allow her to get the food she is fond of, even if he doesnt like it
even to the point of sitting with her in a chinese resturant